The development of an anxious / preoccupied attachment style (referred to as anxious ambivalent in children) is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern.
Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs. At other times, they will be misattuned to the child.
This inconsistency might make it difficult for the child to understand what the parents’ behavior means and what kind of response to expect in the future. The child might end up confused about his or her relationship with the caregivers, whose behavior sends mixed signals.
Another factor that is linked to the development of an anxious ambivalent attachment style in children is the so-called “emotional hunger” of the caregivers.
anxious-ambivalent-child
In that case, the caregivers would seek emotional/physical closeness with the children in order to satisfy their own needs, rather than their children’s.
Such parents might appear intrusive or over-protective. They might use the child to satiate their own ‘hunger’ for love, or to present their own selves in a certain light (for example, as the perfect parent).
It should be noted that raising a child in such a manner might also be an automatic and unrealized pattern in adults who were raised the same way.
Caregivers, whose child develops an ambivalent attachment style, are likely to have an anxious attachment style themselves. And this is not about genetics, but about a continuity of behavioral patterns throughout generations.
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Which children have a higher risk of developing anxious (ambivalent) attachment?
The previous paragraph provides an overview of what caregiver behaviors might threaten the child’s ability to form a secure attachment style.
Inconsistent responsiveness to a child’s emotional needs, misattunement and emotional distance, as well as preoccupation with and intrusiveness in the child’s life are some of the risk factors for the development of an ambivalent attachment style in children.
In addition to that, there are a few less common risk factors, such as:
Physical or psychological abuse
Early separation from the caregiver
[It is essential to note that having an insecure attachment style is not a mental disease or disorder. It is common among adults, and in most cases, is nothing to worry about. Still, having an unstable/insecure attachment style can cause distress, or harm relationships.]
Symptoms of having an anxious attachment style as an adult
How to recognize a person with an anxious attachment style? Adults with an anxious / preoccupied attachment style might think highly of others, but often suffer from low self-esteem.
These individuals are sensitive and attuned to their partners’ needs, but are often insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.
If the loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their needs, they might blame themselves or label themselves as not being worthy of love.
Adults with anxious attachment need constant reassurance that they are loved, worthy and good enough.
The strong fear of abandonment might often cause anxious adults to be intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners.
This fear might also lead them to become desperate, clingy, and preoccupied with their relationships. Adults with an anxious attachment style are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone.
They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs.
Anxious attachment style in relationships
Having an insecure attachment style can be tiring. It could feel like you are on an emotional roller-coaster all the time.
It might cause anxiety, stress, unhappiness, and low life satisfaction. When it comes to adults with anxious attachment styles, relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’.
The fear of being alone or being rejected is the poison – a disturbing feeling, which leads to constant doubt and worry. On the other hand, the presence of the loved one, and more importantly, their demonstration of affection, is the remedy.
An anxious individual might be insecure about where they stand in a relationship and whether their partner loves them as much as they do in return. The slightest disappointment or sign of rejection from the partner could be harmful to the already low self-esteem.
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As an adult, anxious attachment style can show up as:
difficulty trusting others
low self-worth
worries that your partners will abandon you
craving closeness and intimacy
being overly dependent in relationships
requiring frequent reassurance that people care about you
being overly sensitive to a partner’s actions and moods
being highly emotional, impulsive, unpredictable, and moody
Adults and young adults who develop anxious attachment may be at increased risk for anxiety disorders.
In a 2015 study on 160 adolescents and young adults, researchers found that a history of emotional neglect (antipathy) during childhood was associated with anxiety disorders later in life.
These disorders may include:
social phobia
generalized anxiety disorder
panic attacks
These anxiety disorders are more commonly seen in women than men. Depression is another condition that may arise.
You may have a difficult time feeling secure in any type of relationship — including those with family, friends, and partners — if you’ve developed this type of attachment.
You may find relationships to regularly be:
stressful
emotional
negative
unstable
You may also feel insecure in relationships and have a strong fear of rejection or abandonment.
In an early study, women who experienced anxious attachment and were abused as children were found to have difficulty with relationships later in life.
How can you help a partner with anxious attachment?
If you’re in a relationship with someone raised with anxious attachment, there are a few things you can do to help make them feel more secure:
give them ongoing assurance that you care about them
be consistent in giving them attention
follow through on promises and commitments
encourage self-awareness and self-reflection to help them overcome their anxious behaviors
Because of their general insecurities, there are many incidences that may intentionally or unintentionally trigger someone with anxious attachment, including:
1. Unresponsiveness.
"One trigger for an anxiously attached person is their partner not responding to text or calls for a prolonged period of time," Lippman-Barile says. Not knowing why their partner isn't answering can cause them to worry about what may have happened or what they may have done to push their partner away. Anxiety at the start of a relationship is common for many people, but people with an anxious attachment style carry this anxiety throughout the entirety of the relationship.
2. Perceived threat or loss of a relationship.
For many, certain levels of conflict can be healthy. But for people with anxiety attachment, talking about issues in an authentic way may trigger fears of abandonment, Wegner explains. If they hear their partner communicate doubts or fears about the relationship, they may catastrophize and automatically assume the relationship is falling apart—sometimes self-sabotaging their own relationship.
3. Partner starts acting more independent.
If an anxiously attached person's partner starts making new friends or picking up new hobbies, this can trigger fears of abandonment and feelings of not being interesting enough. For example, Lippman-Barile says, joining a book club or attending a sports game alone may be viewed by the anxious person as their S.O. wanting to leave them.
4. Unpredictable behavior.
"When an anxious person does not know what to expect in terms of your relationship, this creates a lot of insecurity for the person and is very much tied to their early attachment with their caregiver," Wegner says. "This can be a partner who says all the right things but then disappears unexpectedly."
5. Distance.
People with anxious attachment style need constant validation, Wegner says, so distance—even if it's perceived—can be triggering. "This can come in the form of a partner going out with friends, connecting with others, or being unavailable because of work or family commitments," she says.
How to fix an anxious attachment style:
1. Become aware of your attachment style.
"An awareness of attachment styles helps to explain our potential blocks to trust, close connection, and intimacy in adulthood," Campbell says. Understanding why you tend to behave a certain way in relationships is the first step in breaking those patterns. "Every change starts with self-reflection and self-awareness," Wegner says.
2. Adjust your behavior.
After being mindful of how this attachment leads to problems in your relationships, you can start making more informed decisions. The anxious behaviors you habitually engage in don't result in what you truly want, Lippman-Barile says. Choosing differently—even when it is scary or uncomfortable—can help you start to make changes that will lead to a secure relationship.
3. Reach out to someone you trust.
Overcoming an anxious attachment style will usually take help. Reaching out to family and friends you trust may be a start. Since people with anxious attachment find it difficult to trust people close to them, Wegner also recommends seeking out therapy. "Having an anxious attachment style is really common and something most therapists can help with," she says. "Doing a little work now can save a lot of heartache and headache down the line."
Because attachment styles are developed in response to our infantile understanding of connection, it can be difficult to overcome these instinctual patterns. But it's definitely possible to heal attachment wounds. With self-awareness and work, these unhealthy behaviors can be overcome.
How Anxiety May Affect Your Relationships
Are You Overly Dependent or Avoidant?
Having generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) can negatively impact many aspects of your life, including your relationships.
Here are two specific ways in which your anxiety can lead to problems maintaining connections with others, as well as strategies you can implement (under the guidance of a mental health professional) to help you navigate these unhealthy attachment patterns.
Being Overly Dependent
Some people with GAD have an intense desire for closeness to their partners (or friend), depending on them constantly for support and reassurance.
Along with being overly dependent, people with GAD may find themselves prone to overthinking, planning for all worst-case scenarios, being indecisive, fearing rejection, and seeking out constant communication (and getting anxious if a partner or friend does not respond quickly).1
People with GAD and overly dependent relationships may also struggle with anger toward those they feel dependent on, acting out in ways that are destructive to their relationships.
Combating Problematic Dependency
If you find yourself developing overly dependent attachments, developing ways to cope with your anxiety and relying more on yourself for feeling better can take the pressure off your partner or friend.
For instance, if you find yourself becoming angry or suspicious in these relationships, first remind yourself that this may be fueled by your anxiety. Then, take a few moments to think about any hard data (facts) that support your worry to try and regain some perspective.
A therapist who specializes in a type of talk therapy called cognitive-behavioral therapy can help you devise strategies on how to reassure yourself and take thoughtful action on your own, instead of needing your partner for comfort each time you are anxious.2
Recognizing and Addressing Avoidance
On the other end of the spectrum, some people with GAD become avoidant of relationships as a way of dealing with their anxiety. They may avoid negative emotions (for example, disappointment or frustration) by not revealing their feelings, opening up, or being vulnerable.
A person who is avoidant of close relationships may be experienced as cold, emotionally unavailable, lacking empathy, or even stand-offish, even though they may long for closeness.
If you find yourself being overly distant in your relationships, cognitive behavioral therapy, also with other types of therapy, such as psychodynamic psychotherapy, may be helpful. A mental health professional can help a person explore past and present relationships and the emotions surrounding those interpersonal connections.3
Treating Anxiety and Relationship Problems
A therapist will also explore how GAD impacts your relationships. For instance, exploring your emotions more deeply may be a good strategy for someone who tends to be avoidant in relationships.
On the flip side, this strategy may backfire for people who are more dependent on others and emotionally reactive. It's important to note that medication is also often an essential part of treatment for people with GAD.
While the medications prescribed for anxiety, like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, are not curative, they can help decrease your symptoms and help you feel better as you rework your anxious thoughts and behaviors with your therapist.
If you or a loved one are struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.